EXCERPTS
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| We're at a cookout. Among those present are Jolly, a seven-year-old girl infatuated with superheroes who is now dressed as Wonder Woman, and Jake, a traveling DJ who is about to get struck with the idea of becoming a new superhero -- the Champion of Reason. (pp 24-25) |
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JOLLY
How come there are so many bad people in the world? Superman and Spider-Man and Captain Marvel and the Green Arrow and Phantom Lady and the Shadow and the Green Lantern and the Human Torch and Hawkman -- they ain' t got no time to go on vacation.
JAKE
It's because society doesn't place enough importance on being good.
JOLLY
Why not?
JAKE
Because the values of society are screwed up. There's just too much foolishness.
JOLLY
Why isn't there a superhero to fight foolishness?
CLOSE UP of Jake staring off into space, deep in thought.
JOLLY (O.S.)
Jake?
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| We're in the ballroom of the Duchess's duchy for an exclusive masquerade party. The Duchess and her aristocratic coterie are wearing Halloween costumes instead of their usual eighteenth-century royal French garb. Among the many masqueraders is a strangely-dressed fellow in a blue outfit with a big 'R' on the chest like Superman's 'S' -- and that 'R' is for 'Reason'. The corrupt Mayor Yaroborough, dressed as Buffalo Bill, is standing with Chief of Police Verdon, who is dressed as the Godfather. (The Duchess, dressed as Cleopatra, will show up soon.) (pp 31-32) |
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MAYOR YAROBOROUGH
Well, I think we got everybody figured out, except that guy in the dipshit blue costume.
CHIEF VERDON
Looks like a weirdo to me. You don't think maybe a commoner crashed the party?
Yaroborough watches the Champ suspiciously and disdainfully.
MOMENTS LATER
Concerned, the Duchess walks over to her throne and pulls a braided velvet cord. The butler immediately shows up.
DUCHESS
Get me the invitation list and the sign-in book, and do a head count.
He better not be some plebeian.
The butler gives her the Indian head shake and departs.
MOMENTS LATER
All eyes are on the Champ as he moves toward the door.
A knight in armor lowers his visor and points his lance at the Champ; a martian wiggles his antennae and draws his space gun. The Godfather, Frankenstein, Lucifer, and other formidable foes move toward the Champ -- but stop upon seeing blue smoke rise and obscure him.
MOMENTS LATER
The blue smoke dissipates and the Champ is gone.
The Lone Ranger turns to no one in particular.
THE LONE RANGER
Just who was that masked man?
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| We're at John Wayne Theater for a production of Hamlet. The Duchess, Mayor Yaroborough, and the rest of the aristocrats are in their exclusive balcony boxes. It's the first scene of Act Three. Hamlet finished saying, "To be or not to be -- that is the question." The Champion of Reason then slid down from the rafters on a rope and now stands at center stage. (pp 34-35) |
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Hamlet, Ophelia, Claudius, and Polonius are dumbfounded.
The Champ unsheathes his sword to OOHs and AHHs, then holds
it to his side with the tip on the floor.
CHAMPION OF REASON
But Hamlet then wonders, "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer/The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,/Or to take arms against a sea of troubles ...?"
BALCONY BOXES
Mayor Yaroborough is on his cell phone.
MAYOR YAROBOROUGH
The weirdo from the Halloween Ball is on stage at John Wayne Theater. Get your men here pronto.
ON STAGE
The Champ raises his sword high.
CHAMPION OF REASON
Here is my answer. Armed only with this sword and the power of reason, I will lead the charge -- for truth, justice, and the rational way.
The Champ points his sword at the Duchess.
CHAMPION OF REASON
Duchess Mazur, your reign of foolishness will soon end.
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| Intending to impress Kristy, a young lady he has a crush on, Jake took one of the Duchess's magnificent white horses from her carriage and placed a horn-like device on the stallion's forehead to make it look like a unicorn. Now mounted on his steed and dressed as the Champion of Reason, he is outside Kristy's house, and he has just tossed a pebble at her bedroom window. (pp 42-43) |
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Kristy opens her eyes a crack, but she apparently passes the sound off as the wind because she closes her eyes again.
The Champ tosses another pebble -- and the window SHATTERS.
Kristy jumps off her bed, goes to her window, pulls open the shades, and looks out and then way up.
KRISTY
What the hell (pause) is going on?
She sees the Champ, with the full moon over his shoulder, mounted on the 'unicorn'.
CHAMPION OF REASON
A gift -- for the fairest maiden in all of Addleton.
The Champ leans forward, reaches down as far as he can, and gently tosses down the blue-cloth-covered gift.
Kristy shakes her head to make sure she isn't dreaming.
KRISTY
Are you some kind of nut?
CHAMPION OF REASON
I'm the Champion of Reason, and I'm going to stop Addleton from self-destructing.
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| After appearing at Kristy's window on the 'unicorn', the Champ is unable to get the white stallion to return to the U-Haul that he transported it in -- and he gets taken for a wild ride on the streets of Addleton. (pp 45-46) |
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The horse's hooves POUND the pavement as he gallops down the center of a busy street. With his cape flying behind him, the Champ looks terrified.
CHAMPION OF REASON
Hooolllly shit!
In his cruiser, POLICEMAN #1 is stopped at a red light. Looking into his rearview mirror, he sees the horse and horseman coming fast. He turns his head and sees the Champ race by on his 'unicorn' and proceed to run the red light. He starts his SIREN and takes off -- but HITS a car crossing the intersection. Stuck in the intersection, he picks up the radio mike. (The SIREN renders the voice on the other side of the conversation inaudible.)
POLICEMAN #1
Chief, there's a heading north on -- Yes, Chief, I said a unicorn -- heading north on Rush Limbaugh Street.... Yes, Chief, a unicorn -- with a rider who fits the description of the Champion of Reason.... Yes, Chief, a unicorn.... No, Chief, I'm not bullshitting you.
MOMENTS LATER
POLICEMAN #2 speeds along in his cruiser with the siren WAILING. He sees the Champ race across an intersection and takes off after him -- and gets on the radio.
POLICEMAN #2
Unit Seven reporting. I'm in pursuit of the subject heading west on Main Street. No plates or inspection sticker visible.
INT./EXT. THE DRIVE-THRU WEDDING CHAPEL - MOMENTS LATER
A bride and groom, in formal wedding attire, sit in a convertible and face a MINISTER at the drive-through window.
MINISTER
... by virtue of authority vested in me, I now pronounce you man and
wife, one together, in the Name of the Lord --
The minister sees the Champ race by on the far side of the
convertible.
MINISTER
-- Jesus Christ!
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| We're at Addleton High, in a science class where evolution is out and creationism is in. The new science teacher is Pip Tripke. Wearing a Franciscan robe and sporting a Friar Tuck tonsure hairdo, Pip has just finished reading a passage from the Book of Genesis. (pp 61-62) |
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Several students SHRIEK.
The Champion of Reason bursts into the room, with his sword
in one hand and a rope in the other. He pulls the door closed
behind him and ties one end of the rope (with a noose) to the
inside door handle.
CHAMPION OF REASON
Your pseudoscience class has just come to an end; your science class is about to begin.
He throws the other end of the rope (also with a noose) all
the way across the room -- to a girl wearing a T-shirt that reads WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
CHAMPION OF REASON
You, put the noose over the window latch and pull the rope tight.
The girl does as she was told, and the rope, about three feet
off the ground, is strung across the room from the door to
the window.
The Champ holds the sword out like a fencer does before
thrusting and walks straight toward Pip Tripke.
Pip raises his hands and backs away from the point of the
sword -- all the way to the far corner, where he collides
with the intersecting walls and slumps, ass first, deep down
into a trash can.
The Champ picks up a piece of chalk and draws a slash through
the equals-sign on the blackboard, so that it now says that
theory does not equal guess. He KICKS over the pulpit, then
points at Pip while addressing the class.
CHAMPION OF REASON
He's trying to re-define 'theory' in order to push his agenda.
PIP TRIPKE
(trembling)
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom
come --
CHAMPION OF REASON
Quiet, Padre, or I'll make you
write one hundred times I MUST FACE
THE FACTS.
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| We're back at John Wayne Theater for the Miss Addleton Beauty
Pageant. The MC was just about to announce the winner when
the lights went out. (Albert, who is Jake's eccentric,
elderly sidekick, has used his electrical wizardry to make
the place go dark and allow Jake to deliver a Champion-of-Reason diatribe through the PA system from an outside
telephone.) We pick up the Champ's harangue at the halfway
point. (pp 80-81) |
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INT. TELEPHONE BOOTH
He's our man, Jake -- but he talks as the Champion of Reason.
Among the graffiti is one that reads ERNEST LODGICK WAS HERE.
CHAMPION OF REASON
Aristotle defined humans as
rational animals, but he should
have added, 'most of the time', or 'some of the time', or 'every now
and then' -- because human beings
sure can be foolish.
BACK ON THE MAIN FLOOR AT JOHN WAYNE THEATER
There's nervous movement. Some people stand; others head for
THE DOOR
where an emergency light illuminates a POLICEMAN.
POLICEMAN
Everybody, return to your seats!
Nobody's getting out! We've got him
trapped in here!
BACK IN THE CROWD
The mood ranges from tense to frantic -- while the voice in
dimness keeps coming through loudly and clearly.
CHAMPION OF REASON (V.O.)
Society places too much emphasis on
how we look. More emphasis needs to
be placed on how we think.
BACK IN THE TELEPHONE BOOTH
Jake still gestures with his free hand while talking.
CHAMPION OF REASON
Being reasonable involves keeping
an opened mind and drawing
conclusions solely on the basis of
the evidence.
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| We're at a press conference that Mayor Yaroborough called
because of mounting criticism over the failure to capture the
Champion of Reason. With Chief Verdon standing beside him,
Yaroborough painted the Champ as an evil-doer, called him
"the Champion of Treason", and promised that the outlaw would
be captured soon. A student reporter for the local college
newspaper is about to ask the mayor one last question. (pp 87-
88) |
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STUDENT REPORTER
Hasn't this man, the Champion of
Reason, aka Ernest Lodgick, simply
outsmarted you and your police?
There's a HUSH. Yaroborough glares at the Student Reporter
and steps back to the podium. He POUNDS his fist so hard on
the podium that his periwig turns slightly sideways.
MAYOR YAROBOROUGH
(sputtering)
You call him a man; I call him an
un-American slime ball -- and I
challenge him right here and now to
meet me face to face, one on one.
Several members of the press rise and bombard the mayor with
a CACOPHONY of questions asked simultaneously: Are more
police recruits needed? Is it safe to go out at night? Will
Chief Verdon resign? Do you think that the Champion of Reason
is the Antichrist? Will the rapscallion be caught before
Christmas? Are you concerned about a recall? Do you think you
can bounce back in public opinion?
Yaroborough storms toward the exit with Verdon closely
behind. The police chief follows a little too closely and
steps on the mayor's trailing robe.
Yaroborough's head gets jerked back, and he falls backward
into Verdon's arms with his periwig turned even more
sideways. The police chief feigns a smile as he hustles the
off-balance mayor away.
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NOTE FROM THE SCREENWRITERS |
| With a rocket belt under his cape, the Champ took over WBVD,
the local corporate-controlled radio station. He concluded
his diatribe by challenging Mayor Yaroborough to a sword
fight, then headed for the flat rooftop of the building.
Yaroborough showed up in a red, eighteenth-century, French
General's coat, brandishing a Samurai sword. He issued orders
that the disruptive sympathizers of the Champ (the Reason
Fighters) be tear-gassed, then donned a gas mask and climbed
a fire-truck ladder for a showdown with his nemesis. (pp 108-109) |
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ON THE FIRE-TRUCK LADDER
Yaroborough climbs up through the gas ... and above it.
A couple of rungs from the top, he removes the gas mask and
throws it down to the ground. He then takes a small object
out of his coat pocket and tosses it onto the roof in front
of the ladder.
ON THE ROOF
The Champ watches red smoke rise in front of the top of the
ladder ... and sees Yaroborough emerge from the smoke with
the Samurai sword raised. He raises his own sword.
CHAMPION OF REASON
On guard.
Yaroborough looks at his sword, but then calmly tosses it
aside. From inside his long, red coat, he pulls out a
stainless steel .357 Magnum.
MAYOR YAROBOROUGH
Touché.
The Champ backs up.
CHAMPION OF REASON
The reward! I'm worthless dead.
Yaroborough holds the gun with both hands and points it at
the Champ's chest.
MAYOR YAROBOROUGH
You're worthless, period. But what
killing you will do for my approval rating
is priceless.
The Champ backs up to the edge of the roof.
MAYOR YAROBOROUGH
Au revoir, dickhead.
Yaroborough FIRES.
The Champ drops his sword and falls backward off the roof.
Yaroborough sneers triumphantly. But instead of hearing his
adversary hit the ground, he hears a WHOOSH ... and sees the
Champ rise head-first above the edge of the roof. |
